Review – BurgerTime: World Tour

Review BurgerTime World Tour
BurgerTime: World Tour is a re-imagining of the arcade classic BurgerTime. Both games feature a chef named Peter Pepper, who must climb a series of Donkey Kong-style girders in order to assemble giant hamburgers – by walking on their vertically aligned ingredients in order to push them downward, all while avoiding an army of living man-sized food.

In almost every other regard, however, these are two radically different games.

BurgerTime is a lot like Resident Evil, in that both are games of survival and conservation of ammo in the face of hordes of the reanimated dead, the difference being that the deceased in BurgerTime were first pickled, or ground into sausages.

Hold on, I’m going somewhere with this…

With that comparison in mind, BurgerTime: World Tour is the Resident Evil 4 of the series, in which the protagonist is instead constantly armed to the teeth and stumbling upon more firepower than he can use. Once again, it is a controversial move, but for BurgerTime, the change isn’t as successful.

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Posted: November 9, 2011 at 11:47 pm By | 1 comment

Review – The War of the Worlds

Review War of the Worlds
About a decade ago, when I first played the Dreamcast classic, Seaman, I was greeted by the voice of Leonard Nimoy. At this point, I was under the assumption that any game could be made great by adding narration from a Star Trek character.

Then I played The War of the Worlds on XBLA.

I think the difference is that, while Nimoy’s role was buried under the fact that the game was about a fish-man that you talked to with a microphone peripheral, The War of the Worlds wears the fact that Sir Patrick Stewart narrates it like a badge of honor – a shiny badge on an over-starched and uncomfortable jacket.

The War of the Worlds is about a British man named Arthur, who resists an alien force that wishes to dominate and destroy the Earth. I think his last name is Dent, but I could be wrong.

Wait, it’s Clarke – Arthur Clarke – a man who must flee from genocidal Martian technology, destroy it, find his family, and do it all while narrating his journey with the gravitas of Captain Picard. In his role as narrator, Sir Patrick Stewart doesn’t disappoint with his vivid yet bleak descriptions of the incoming Martian invasion, maintaining a tone of awe-stricken despair throughout. Trust me, if the gameplay were half as good as the voice acting, this would be a real gem of a title.

Unfortunately… well, I have a few paragraphs about the graphics before I can start tearing this thing down.

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Posted: November 3, 2011 at 12:26 am By | 2 comments

Review – Zombie Apocalypse: Never Die Alone

Review Zombie Apocalypse Never Die Alone
Zombie Apocalypse: Never Die Alone is the tale of four annoying wankers who join forces to survive the eponymous apocalypse in yet another entry into the top-down horde-blaster genre.

The core concept of the title is simple, and in the end, the core concept is really all there is to it. Mow zombies, keep moving. There’s little nuance and little window dressing, and the title makes no effort to disguise this fact.

The hokey, tongue-in-cheek story features the grown-up equivalent of a 13-year old Call of Duty player, Ned Flanders with a shotgun, the obligatory angry rapper and doubly obligatory hot girl, all making bad jokes as they stroll through the blackened streets of an anonymous city and paste zombies.

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Posted: October 31, 2011 at 11:29 pm By | No comments yet

Review – Batman: Arkham City

Review Batman Arkham City
There’s a certain vocabulary in the Batman fan community, a dialogue made up of stories that everyone recognizes, with an acknowledgment of common reverence that need not be spoken.

Few need to explain what they thought of The Dark Knight Returns, or ask about The Long Halloween. It is simply understood that one should know of these stories and their significance, as such tales are the seminal books of Batman.

It’s not often that outside media enters in to this exclusive lexicon, where respect and adoration are implied merely through reference. If one talks about Burton’s 1989 film, it is not simply assumed that he speaks of it with approval.

Those outside properties that have entered this elite class, such as The Dark Knight and Batman: The Animated Series (so revered that its original ideas bled into the comics for years) succeeded in the same way that Arkham City does: by being more than a mere cipher for the source material.

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Posted: October 29, 2011 at 2:27 pm By | No comments yet

Review – Space Channel 5 Part 2

Space Channel 5 Part 2
A long time ago, before Tetsuya Mizuguchi created a bunch of synthesthetic puzzle games, he worked for Sega, where he created Space Channel 5. The crazy retro-futuristic style made it one of the most iconic titles for the now-defunct Dreamcast. Last year, when Sega announced that it was going to re-release a series of the Dreamcast’s most popular games in HD for XBLA and PSN, it was only logical that they would include Space Channel 5…

…Part 2, the sequel which was only available for the Dreamcast in Japan. Well, I guess it technically counts, even though a lot of the world knows it better as a budget PS2 release. I suppose the fact that all the backgrounds in the first game were pre-rendered in 480i disqualifies it from being released in HD. Space Channel 5 Part 2 is also a far better game than the original, but it’s still a bizarre choice for a collection that seemed like it was made to bank on Dreamcast nostalgia.

But alas, this is not a review of Sega’s handling of what could have been a great series of downloadable titles – this is a review of a classic rhythm game. Unlike the current wave of peripheral-based rhythm games, in which the goal is to make a small band into a very popular band, older titles of the genre always had a story to tell – though it was usually a completely messed up story.

The story of Space Channel 5 Part 2 features a futuristic news reporter who follows reports of bad guys who take innocent people hostage and force them to dance – which requires out-dancing the bad guys to save the hostages, who then show their appreciation by dancing in line behind her as she continues reporting; this is how you earn TV ratings in space. The game’s heroine, Ulala, does play a guitar and the drums as well, but only to demoralize rival reporters and to fend off the space police (yes, in the future, if you beat the police in a drum battle, they have to let you go – it’s the space law).

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Posted: October 11, 2011 at 1:55 pm By | 7 comments

Review – Driver: San Francisco

Review Driver San Francisco
Before I begin discussing Driver: San Francisco, I feel it’s important to mention that I have an issue with driving games. There’s a conversation that happens between myself and any such game I sit down to play, and it goes like this:

“Use the handbrake for sharp turns, Brad!”

“Okay, driving game—oh, I made the widest possible turn, spun out and crashed into a wall. Thanks.”

As a result of my crippling deficiency, driving isn’t usually a lot of fun for me. The driving games I play are invariably the ones where I can mitigate my incompetence with offense. That is to say, there’s a gap between me and the amount of skill necessary to win a driving game, and I close it by shooting other drivers. Mario Kart, Extreme-G, Blur—these are the games I can contend in (just barely), because I can leverage missiles and mortars and heat-seeking koopa shells against my fellow racers.

Driver: San Francisco doesn’t have any of that—but it does have something even more unusual.

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Posted: September 21, 2011 at 8:42 am By | No comments yet

Review – Gears of War 3

Review Star Fox 64 3DS
So, here’s Gears of War 3 in a nutshell: somewhere on the battlefield, a Locust drone fell to his knees, and out I ran—because it wasn’t acceptable that he might just bleed out. I had to get to him, so that I might ram my flamethrower into his chest and burn him from the inside out.

Yeah, that’s a thing you can do.

I think what makes Gears of War special, as a franchise, is its unique aptitude for making me want to do things like that, and, more importantly, for making me need to shoot monsters.

That’s the impetus of any shooter, of course, but the focus here is notably more pure. Every asset is leveraged toward this end. Whether it’s brutish dialogue that can only rightly be answered with a shotgun, the satisfying kick of the rifle, the suffering atmosphere of the world, or a story that demands good old-fashioned revenge, everything in this game compels me to shoot monsters, and fashions that need into the most satisfying experience possible.

It’s the art of the shooter, and Gears of War 3 is a symphony on the subject.

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Posted: September 20, 2011 at 2:24 pm By | No comments yet
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